Guilt, guilt, guilt.

I leave today for San Diego. One of my sons is expecting a baby in April, so I'm going to be a grandma, for the first time! The baby shower is Sunday. I leave today, come back Tuesday. Quick trip.

This morning I'm packing and getting ready to go. I go for my morning walk. When I come back to the house I can hear Mom crying in the living room.

She's sitting in her chair, choking back tears. I say, "What's the matter Mom?"

She says, still crying, "I......don't......know." Which is what she usually says. But this time, she follows with, "I don't want......you.....to goooooo. I just hate...... to see.....you goooooo."

I reassure her that the care giver will be in every day, twice a day to check on them, and get them anything they might need. I remind her that she has her Lifeline button around her neck. I tell her I'll be back Tuesday afternoon. Doesn't help. She keeps crying.

Guilt takes over--do I cancel my trip? And why? To be here in case..... in case what? Will my staying here guarantee that a crisis won't happen? On an intellectual level, I know that canceling the trip and deciding to stay here to appease my mother's stress is not the sensible thing to do. But on an emotional level, the mother who always made me feel like I couldn't make a sensible decision about anything is still affecting me. Guilt.

I'm sitting here typing this blog and I can hear my mom crying in the next room. Guilt.

I need to shower and pack and leave. Guilt.