Contemplating Why I'm Here

I drive to Port Townsend a lot. It's about a forty minute drive between Sequim and Port Townsend. A beautiful winding road the skirts two bays then meanders through evergreens and rolling hills. I do some of my best thinking on those drives. I have a house and wonderul friends in Port Townsend and I find the drive and the visits help me keep my perspective.

I went there tonight, to visit with one of my dearest and most precious friends. And on the way home, I was thinking about my decision, five years ago, to move up to Sequim, into my parents home, with my, then, fourteen year old daughter. I recall quite vividy the primary basis for the decision--I wanted my parents to be able to die in their own home. The secodary reason was that I wanted to have the opportunity to be part of my parents' golden years. I figured I knew them during their prime years, and I knew them during their retirement years. But I really had no idea what they were like, or how they had changed in their golden years.

Now, five years later, I reflect frequentlly on that initial decision. I don't regret it at all, but I have discovered that it is infinitely more difficult and challenging to live with your aging parents than I had originally thought. Actually, I never thought it would be difficult or challenging, really. I remember I had several friends who pulled me aside shortly after I moved up here to give me advice. They had experienced living with or caring for one or both eldely parents and were quick to let me know what I needed to know to survive. What they said, unanimously was this, "Take care of yourself. Live your life. Get out. Make sure you get out and do things that are important to you."

And so, this is why I make a point of driving to Port Townsend. I do it frequently, usually three or four times a week. Some days, it is what keeps me sane. Some days, it is the only time when I can cry out loud. Some days, it is the only time when I can be alone with my thoughts. Some days, it is the only time when I can simply look across the evergreen-lined bay and marvel at the extraordinary beauty that surrounds me all the time, but which I so often ignore or forget.

I don't why I thought about this just now, but I'll close with it. The other day, my father proudly announced to me that he'd decided he's going to stick around until 2013. You should understand, my father operates under the premise that he has completely control over the time and, apparently, the year when he'll die. He has made these announcements to me before, all with different years, or circumstances--"I'll stick around until Bush gets voted out of office" or "I'll stick around until the Iraq war is over" or, my personal favorite, "I'll stick around until the polar icecaps melt." So, the other day the magic year became 2013. Of course, I asked him why, and he quickly answered, "Because that's when the sea level is supposed to rise by one inch and I want to see what happens." And, of course, I had to ask why that was so important to him, and, again, he quickly responded with, "Because I want to see all hell break loose when the skeptics finally see that global warming is really happening. " We didn't speak after that. I spent the next several mnutes wondering what I might want to "stick around for" when I'm 92 years old. What would you want to stick around for?