Crazy-Good

So.........I went to see my therapist today.

It was my last appointment with him. Sort of a wrap up of the healing I've been doing for the last month and a half. A sort of final check of my emotional health before being completely released back into the world. I described to him all the positives in my life now and how great it feels to be, well, happy again. How great it feels to feel my brain "working" again. How great it feels to be constantly lit up from the inside by all of the seemingly insignificant everyday things around me.

I feel kinder. Less angry.

Then he asked me, "When you think of the entire time you've spent taking care of your parents, what's the best part?"

Okay. Get ready. Here's where the big OMG moment came for me. I didn't really think of what my answer was going to be. I listened to his question, then I just..........answered it.

"The craziness."

And then.....I wanted to cry. I didn't, but I wanted to. I really, really wanted to. Because the revelation of what my answer meant to me..........well, it kind of blew me away. The words came out of MY mouth, but I couldn't believe I had just said what I heard myself say.

My therapist raised one eyebrow. I guess he was surprised too. "Really? Explain."

So I did. Again, without thinking. I just opened my mouth, and started to talk. "Well, because, as crazy as some days were, when I think of them now, I think, I've experienced a part of my parents' lives that few people are ever able to experience."

And I went on, "Right now, I can't believe how crazy-bad my life had gotten. I mean, the day when I finally hit rock-bottom and became fully aware that I was trying to juggle as many balls as I was, while simultaneously dangling from the few, very frayed emotional threads I had left........it was frightening. I truly thought I was going to die and it scared the crap out of me. That was when I made my first appointment to see you. But now when I think about how crazy-bad it was,.......I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.

Every day was full of battles. I woke up every morning thinking about which battles would be fought that day--Mom's meds, Mom's moods, Dad's mood, the bills, the dogs, the cats, my work, doctor appointments, the house, the yard. Then there were the unexpected battles--Mom falls, the dog gets sick, the computer isn't working, a work deadline gets moved up, Mom falls again, Mom has diarrhea, Mom starts wailing.

Crazy-bad.

But because I was at such a low point,.......in such a pit of despair.......it makes the fact that I feel as good as I do right now, a hundred times better."

We both sat in silence with smiles on our faces.

I spoke first, "Life was crazy-bad. And now it's crazy-good."